What the Heck Is That Thing?

What the Heck Is That Thing?

A Rookie’s Descent into the Bizarre World of Hardware, Tools, and Mild Identity Theft by Door Parts

When I first started working at Calumet Lumber, I had one very clear idea of what I was getting into: wood, nails, and maybe a few hinges. I figured I’d spend my days talking about construction projects, selling materials, and helping people build stuff.

Turns out, it’s not just about building—it's about solving the puzzle of how to turn a pile of random metal bits into a functional door, or figuring out which weirdly shaped tool you need to keep a giant piece of steel from crashing to the ground. So much for just “helping people create spaces”—I quickly realized I was more like the human version of a Swiss Army knife, trying to decipher codes and find the right part for things that shouldn't even exist.

And yet here we are.

Calumet’s been around since 1906, which means we’ve seen a whole lot of “whatchamacallits,” “doohickeys,” and “I found this in a wall, is it important?” moments. We’ve helped generations of customers identify random pieces of hardware with a mix of expertise, educated guesses, and pure, uncut wizardry.

So let me take you on a little tour of the most baffling, oddly specific, and unnecessarily complicated items I’ve encountered. Buckle up—it’s about to get weird.

Sex Bolts

Let’s get the awkward stuff out of the way. Yes, that’s really what they’re called. No, HR can’t stop you from saying it if it’s on the quote sheet. Sex bolts (also known as barrel nuts) are designed to connect two flat panels through a hole. Think of restroom partitions, signage, or anything where you want a clean look and a dirty name.

They work by screwing into each other from opposite sides. And if you're giggling, just know that the engineers who invented them were too. I once tried to keep a straight face while explaining the difference between full-thread and partial-thread sex bolts. Reader, I failed. We both did. It was beautiful.

Mortise Lock Bodies

Imagine opening a perfectly normal-looking door and seeing the mechanical equivalent of a pocket watch made by angry elves. That’s a mortise lock. It’s a big, boxy, overachieving chunk of metal that sits inside the door and controls the latch, the deadbolt, and possibly your fate.

These things have been around since the 1800s. They’re elegant, durable, and absolutely not intuitive. Installing one is a cross between open-heart surgery and interpretive dance. And if the latch spring slips out during installation? You’re just going to have to move and change your name.

At Calumet, we keep mortise lock bodies on hand like a hospital keeps defibrillators: you don’t always need one, but when you do, it’s an emergency.

Flush Bolts

Flush bolts are for when you’ve got a pair of double doors, but only one of them is allowed to have a personality. The other one? That’s the inactive leaf. It doesn’t get a handle, a lock, or dreams of ever being opened.

Flush bolts keep it in place by recessing into the top and bottom edges and sliding into the frame like some kind of mechanical tongue. It’s subtle. It’s sleek. And if you install it backwards, the door becomes a booby trap. Ask me how I know.

Spanner Wrenches

This tool looks like something Batman would keep in his belt next to the shark repellent. It’s got two little prongs that hook into notches on weird-shaped fasteners that you’ll never see unless the universe is actively punishing you.

It’s used for slotted round nuts, which are apparently so niche they need a wrench that doubles as a medieval torture device. The first time I used one, I thought I was being pranked. The second time, I bent it trying to loosen a “finger-tight” nut that turned out to be installed by Thor.

Cam Lock Tailpieces

This one sounds like something you'd order online for a boat or a motorcycle or a late-night infomercial product. But no—cam lock tailpieces are the unsung heroes behind every drawer, cabinet, and locking mailbox. It’s that weird little metal arm that turns when you twist the key.

It looks useless until it’s missing. Then suddenly, the entire locking system becomes a paperweight. At Calumet, we keep bins of these in different lengths, shapes, and finishes because—plot twist—every manufacturer insists on reinventing the wheel in their own "unique" way.

Crimping Tools

Ah yes, the crimper: the construction world’s most satisfying device that’s also fully capable of snapping your hand in half if you’re not paying attention. It’s used to permanently deform a metal sleeve around cable or wire—basically, it cold-hugs stuff into submission.

There are different types of coaxial cable, PEX tubing, and even fence wire. Each one is slightly different, all of them are just heavy enough to bruise a shin, and none of them look like they’re designed for human hands. And no, it’s not the 80’s iron that I tried to use on my hair for the crinkle French fry look.

Door Silencers

These little guys are proof that not all heroes wear capes. Sometimes they’re just weird rubber dots that stop your steel door from sounding like a prison cell when it shuts.

You probably wouldn’t notice a door silencer unless it falls out, and then suddenly the door is announcing your every movement like a WWE entrance. They look like chewed gum, fall out constantly, and are the first thing people forget to order until it’s 4:59 on a Friday and the job site sounds like a drum solo.

Core Drill Bits

Imagine a drill bit and a soup can have a baby and that baby was raised by concrete contractors. That’s a core bit.

These big, hollow cylinders chew through concrete like its warm butter—if warm butter were full of rebar, gravel, and the souls of job-site foremen past. They’re used to cut perfectly round holes in walls and floors for piping, conduit, or to run mystery wires no one ever admits to installing.

Hilti Guns (Powder-Actuated Fastening Tools)

This isn’t a nail gun. This is a nail cannon powered by actual gunpowder.

You load it with a cartridge and fire fasteners directly into concrete or steel. Basically, it’s construction’s answer to “What if a firearm could hang drywall?” They’re loud, they kick like a mule, and if you misuse one, it’ll kick your ladder right out from under you. OSHA loves ‘em. (Just kidding—OSHA’s eye twitches every time one is used.)

Beam Clamps

These little beasts are like the industrial version of a sloth—designed to just hang on for dear life to the nearest I-beam.

Used to suspend pipe, lighting, or ductwork when you don’t want to weld or drill directly into steel. Just clamp, tighten, and boom—instant gravity-defying install. Of course, if you forget to tighten them? That new conduit run is now floor décor.

Scissor Jacks (a.k.a. Door Jacks)

These are the unsung MVPs of installing industrial doors. You think lifting a 300-lb. steel door into place while holding it level, square, and still enough to install hardware is easy? It’s not. It’s the construction equivalent of a yoga pose on a moving train.

Scissor jacks save your back, your attitude, and your co-worker’s hearing from the inevitable “ARE YOU HOLDING IT OR NOT?!” argument.

Magnetic Torpedo Levels

Yes, it’s a level. Yes, it’s got magnets. Yes, you’re going to use it to stick to steel studs, pipes, or anything ferrous and vaguely vertical.

It’s called a torpedo because of its size and shape, not because it explodes—though let’s be honest, the first time it falls off a beam and hits a concrete floor, the sound will make you question everything.

Firestop Collars

Oh, now we’re getting spicy. These babies are code-required in industrial buildings, but no one wants to talk about them until they fail an inspection.

Firestop collars wrap around plastic pipes where they penetrate fire-rated walls. When exposed to heat, they expand like popcorn with a purpose—sealing the hole to keep fire and smoke from spreading.

The Mysterious Box of Anchors

Every industrial site has one. It’s crusty, half-empty, and no one knows what half the stuff inside is for.

Wedge anchors, sleeve anchors, drop-ins, epoxy sets—each one comes with its own set of installation rules, torque specs, and a 40% chance you’re using the wrong size bit. At Calumet, we can ID those mystery anchors like they’re missing puzzle pieces from our childhood.

Final Thoughts from the Hardware Twilight Zone

A look into the strange and wonderful world of industrial construction tools that, let’s face it, are probably designed to test your sanity. We’ve covered everything from the unspeakably awkward sex bolts to the life-saving mortise lock bodies that are secretly time machines from the past. All these tools, hardware, and bits of mysterious metal might seem like they belong in a sci-fi movie, but they’re the unsung heroes of every job site.

At Calumet Lumber, we’ve seen it all—scratched heads, confused looks, and the occasional “What the heck is that thing?” followed by a hurried Google search. But that’s what makes this industry so fun. No two days are alike. No two tools are the same. Every project brings a new puzzle, a new mystery, and a chance to flex your problem-solving muscles.

It’s not just about selling hardware; it’s about guiding people through the chaos. From door jacks to firestop collars, we help you sort through the madness, find the right part, and give you the confidence to tackle your next job like a pro. Sure, some of the tools we use are old-school, weirdly named, and borderline dangerous—but they work. And they’ll keep working, even when you're standing there with a perplexed look, trying to remember if the “cam lock tailpiece" is actually a secret weapon or just a tool you should avoid using on your own.

So, the next time you walk into the yard holding a bizarre part that looks like it came from the bottom of a treasure chest, don’t panic. Take a deep breath, grab a coffee, and ask us, “What the heck is this thing?” Chances are, we’ve got the answer, the part, and the story to go with it.

At Calumet, we’re more than just a lumberyard. We’re your go-to for solving mysteries, one weird tool at a time. And if you happen to need a sex bolt in satin chrome, well, we’ve got those, too. You won’t find a more helpful, knowledgeable, and possibly slightly immature crew ready to help you out.

Come in confused. Leave with the part, the answer, and a few good laughs. That’s what we do here.

Sometimes strength isn’t measured in wood, steel, or the toughest tools in the shop — it’s measured in the people who stand tall when the real fight hits.

#TeamKaty is fighting hard after brain surgery to remove a tumor. She’s showing us all what true courage looks like — not just in facing the unknown, but in leaning on a community that refuses to let her stand alone.

We build things here every day. But the strongest thing we build is each other.

If you can, please support #TeamKaty in this battle: https://gofund.me/0a82e42c

Because real strength isn’t just in the materials we work with — it’s in the hearts that hold us up when it counts.

#TeamKaty #CommunityStrong #FightLikeAKaty #StrongerTogether #CalumetCares